a zebra and his stripes

So my sister calls me and leaves a voice mail message that goes something like “um, I just read your blog and I think congratulations are in order. I mean, I can’t tell for sure but it seems like you just went through an examination, and it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, and you passed. So, congratulations!”

I had to think about his for a moment when I heard it. Especially the part where she said “you didn’t do anything wrong.” It just hit me like a ton of brick. “Yeah” I thought. “Hell yeah! I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong!” I let it sink in for a minute and then I repeated it again to myself. “I didn’t do anything wrong, and I passed.”

In a pass/fail situation there is only pass and only fail. Still I can’t help but wish I had passed more smoothly or that the oral examination had been more congenial. But as they say, in the end, no one is going to ask how you passed. They are just going to ask if you have the degree. So why am I walking around like some big open sore? Why do I feel like every nerve in my body is exposed and raw?

In private I told my graduate committee chair “I think this place is having an adverse effect on my mental stability.”

His response? “We just have to get you out of here.”

His response hurt. I felt like he was saying “We are just so sick of you.” But another friend pointed out that it really didn’t matter what he was saying, because what “we need to get you out of here” really means is “this is poison” and I have to go.

I think the thing is I feel like a failure because it doesn’t go more smoothly. That somehow, my inability to have more meaningful communication with the faculty is some sort of character defect, and I have been beating myself up for this reason for quite a while.

The sad thing is I think I am predisposed to this kind of behavior. I tend to make the failings of my relationships my responsibility. It is horribly self pitying and so completely unproductive, and yet so much easier for me than realizing that I am powerless over the outcomes.

Duke: The lights are growing dim. I know a life of crime led me to this sorry fate... And yet, I blame society. Society made me what I am.
Otto Maddox: Bullshit! You're a white suburban punk, just like me!
Duke: But it still hurts!
Otto Maddox: You're gonna be all right. [Duke groans pitifully] Maybe not.

The Gita says I have a right to my actions but not the outcome of my actions. The way of right action is to release fear and uncertainty of outcomes and embrace the moment rather than the result. Intuitively I understand this. What I lack is the resolve to implement this way of the middle path in my life. Instead I internalize and allow fear and what I call crazy thinking to over run me ability to cope with reality as it is happening.

I am terrified. I would say I am terrified of failure, but recent activities suggest I am just as equally terrified of success. Check that, what I should really say is, I seem to be terrified of life. As the Gita would say I am so hung up on results, good or bad, that I am unable to see them for what they are. Worse, realizing that I am engaged in this behavior, I beat myself up for it.

I don’t mind being crazy. I have lived with my crazy mind for most of my life now and I am starting to get used to it. But I really hate this tendency to beat myself up for being who I am. It is as if a llama would throw itself off the cliff for being a llama, or a lion would surrender itself to the zebras for being a lion. I am brash and cocky and pretentious, and when the faculty says “you are too brash” I immediately fall into despair and self doubt. “Is that right?” and “Is that good? Bad?” and finally “what should I do?”

Well I tell you what I am going to do. It only took me two days but I am going to stop beating myself up for succeeding. I am going to stop worrying if the faculty “likes” me and focus on “getting out of there” as they say.

My wife likes to quote the big book and say “self knowledge avails us naught” or something like that. It probably means that either A) I say I am going to stop but I won’t because I can’t or B) I will stop worrying about this but only because I will find something else that the faculty does to start worrying about or C) Both.

My vote is on C. Mainly because I am powerless over my character defects. But you know, that is O.K. because the zebra shouldn’t hate himself for his stripes, and at least for this moment, right now… neither will I.