One more week

My sister called me last week wanting to know the date my thesis exhibition. “I’m thinking about coming” she said. I told her that I wasn’t sure but that I thought it was slated for the last week in April. “I’m meeting with my Chair on Thursday” I told her. “I know for sure then.”

The meeting was fairly typical. I had hung a painting I had worked on over spring break and we started with a brief critique. He was pressed for time so he moved to cut the meeting short at which point I told him I had a few questions about the thesis exhibition.

“What are your questions?”

I asked him when the date was and his response was “you figure it out.” Then I asked him about the oral examination that was to go along with the exhibition. He started to answer, then paused and said “of course all of this depends on whether or not your committee approves your exhibition.”

“What do you mean?”

“You committee need to approve the exhibition in advance of the final show.” I looked at him stupidly for a moment as his words sunk in. “You have another hurdle to jump” he said.

“I thought that is was the midterm was about.”

“No.”

I have to admit I felt a little crazy right about that time, but as the reality of the situation sank in I grew into acceptance. I mean, I knew that I was going to have to defend my work in front of my committee, right? It just turns out that I have to do that defense in advance of the show, not right before it. In short, I went from having about four weeks to get ready for my defense to meeting with my committee next week.

“You know what is coming” he said, referring to the midterm “You just have to decide how you react to it.” I thought of the prison rape scene in the movie the Shawshank Redemption. “It’s like getting a speeding ticket” he continued “do you call the cop a prick and give him the finger or do you take the ticket, smile and thank him?”

I felt pretty good about the situation at first. All I have to do is paint my ass off for a week. I know what the faculties objections are, I got that earful at midterm. So, correct the problems and move on. However, when I woke up this morning I felt needlessly crazy. The pronouncement felt random, worse it felt personal, and it left me with a sinking feeling of insecurity and depression.

I was talking about this with my wife when it hit me. The situation might be personal and insecure. But does that mean I have to be? Looking back over my blog posts from the last few years I have noted an inordinate number of posts that have to do with the stresses of grad school. Most of them I can’t even bring myself to read. It is safe to say that graduate school has provided me with a limitless number of opportunities for spiritual growth. But here is the thing, I seem to have evaded the most basic one, namely that I get to choose how I react to this situation. Do I roll over and die in a little grey puddle of depression, or do I realize that this is not about me, in that great, character defining sense of ‘is this about me’ way. Sure it is about me work and it could have a profound effect on my future, but something tells me being afraid isn’t going to help.

So for today my mantra is “it maybe personal and insecure, but that doesn’t mean I have to be.”

I knew this thing was coming. It's just coming faster than I originally thought. In reality, if I do this thing right, I have one more week. Jesus! One more week. Is that all? Suddenly I wonder what have I been doing for the past five years and where all that time went. Where has all that work gone? One more week. Wow. I wonder What will step up and make me crazy once graduate school is gone?