My grandfather made a note at the bottom of this photo just before he died. You can still see the blue ink of his Bic pen. “My grandfather A.” This is my grandfather’s grandfather Anderson. I don’t know where he was born, but the story goes he came across the plains with Custer’s 7th cavalry, and would have died at the battle of the Little Bighorn, but was separated from his group in Vermillion, South Dakota after having caught the flu and was later reassigned. I have no idea how much of that story is true, but you have to admit it is a pretty cool picture to have in your family closet.
It is a strange thing how history unfolds itself. How some things happen for good or ill, and we are all the time left to wonder what to make of it. I know that I have blogged about this from time to time, and yet it still fascinates me. It came up again today in church, and I found myself playing devil’s advocate with some of the things that were being said. Things like: “God is good.” and “I pray for acceptance.”
I am an absolute coward when it comes to prayer, that is, I pray in moments of desperation and then wonder at my foolishness later when things have run their course.
“I don’t think of God in these terms, rather God is something wholly other. Not only can we not say whether God is good or bad, it is the acme of foolishness to ascribe this kind of thinking to God at all.”
I was trying to say that, as far as our spiritual growth is concerned, things might seem good or bad to us, but that we couldn't really know what good and bad events will bring and more importantly that to ascribe that kind of thinking to God is really dangerous. Terms like “good” and “bad” are the slippery slope to: “why do bad things happen to good people” or “it is god’s will that some should starve with others do not.” In retrospect I am not sure if that is what I said at all.
Some would argue, in class that is, that God tries to teach us by our errors and our suffering. I know that I have been guilty of this line of thinking in the past as well. Well, one thing I heard that resonated with me was that “God is shaped by our thinking.” As soon as I heard this I knew that while suffering as a means to spiritual awareness has been described in many ways in many books and by many holy people, the kind of “suffering” that I have experienced could not be counted among them. I have it too good.
Seriously how do I suffer? Let me count the ways. Jenny and I were separated. That time has to be on the top of the list. My grandparents died. That was pretty horrible too. Crippling back pain, loss of jobs, financial insecurities, somehow in the grand scheme of things I don’t think it all adds up to much. In reality, even at my most crazy, I am pretty grateful.
I try to play a game with myself. It may sound cynical but it is nice. I try very hard to pinpoint the moment of the day when I am feeling my best. “This is the best I will feel today.” I know it sounds a little crazy but it is nice because it keeps me in the moment, for a time anyway, and allows me to find a bit of time to think, “wow, I have it really good.” As a side note, this usually occurs in the morning, sometimes in the car, usually when I have managed to shrug off sleep, the coffee is kicking in and the day is still full of possibility.
Anyway, after class I found myself thinking that I wasn't really sure if I believed if God was love, if God gave me life, or if I knew anything about God at all. I guess in moments like these all I really know is that I am grateful.
6 comments:
oh my goodness there is so much good stuff to argue with in here. But first, can I just say how HORRIFIED I was when you showed me how Grandpa Andy had written on those lovely old photographs with a blue Bic pen? Talk about the acme of foolishness.
Arguing will have to be done in person... ran out of computer time. : )
“God is shaped by our thinking.” is a scary thought (to me.) I guess God, being omnipotent and all, is smart enough to filter out the bad thoughts. But what about the whole, one persons prayer could very well be another persons tragedy (especially if said persons are others because of their race, creed, religion, etc.) On a personal level, I always feel like a complete tool when I pray. Self conscious. Not sure what that is about? But I often think, God, the Universe, or whatever is wherever thinking, WTF (Yes, my Supreme Being, with the kung fu grip curses in my head. Welcome to my world.)
I think that ascribing goodness to God is not so much problematic because it makes one's view of God too narrow, but because one's view of goodness is too narrow. It's true that God doesn't fit, in every way, every person's idea of what is "good" (that would be impossible). And of course you're free to disagree, but personally, I would see that as an indication, not that God isn't good after all, but that God's goodness transcends limited human understanding ...
P.S. Sorry if I didn't really understand what you were getting at--I'm not at all sure I did.
I agree right up to the very last sentence "god's goodness transcends limited human understanding" and would add, why use the word "goodness" here at all?
J. pointed out the other day that the problem she saw was in trying to equate physical suffering with spiritual suffering, that when we think about physical suffering we always try to ascribe relative ideas of good or bad "I am better now" or "I am worse off" which may have nothing to do with your spiritual well being. It recalls sayings like "Nature is indifferent" and "Life is suffering."
Physical suffering, in this way, is merely a distraction from any spiritual disconnect, as I think are any qualifiers like "goodness" or "badness." Perhaps Suffering can be ended but not before we have removed the illusions of desire that hang on such abstract qualifiers as good and bad, and seek a middle way.
Yes, yes, yes!! What Virgie said! Our view of "goodness" is too narrow.
no, no No! no goodness... goodness bad. Bad Jenzai!
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