Crisis, the Bard, and (finally) Acceptance

I am starting to feel like I am living in a constant state of crisis mode. By this I do not mean that I am living from one crisis to the next while all around me the world is falling apart. Rather the source of the dysfunction seems to come from within. Disruptions to my expectations of how the day should go seem to send me in to a tail spin. I probably need more rest. I feel busy all the time, even when I am just sitting. The other day at school (work) I was standing at the copier when a lady came up behind me and said, “You just can’t stand still can you?” I realized that I had been nervously fidgeting the whole time, hoping from one foot to the other like a small child with a urinary infection. The worst, though, is when there is any kind of disruption to my schedule.

One example happened the other day. For weeks, the professors at school (school) have been debating when to have the graduate midterm critique. There seems to be no compromise between these people, and finally they decided to have it on two separate days. That’s right, I get to do my midterm, and then I get to do it again a week later. Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy! (I am pretty sure the exclamation mark comes from the Latin and is a derivative of the word “Joy” so to have it after the word Joy is a bit repetitive, but then a again so are two midterms.)

My reaction was to totally freak out. Not because I don’t want to do two midterms, well, at least, not any more than anyone would want to. No, my reaction was to the scheduling nightmare it creates. The delicate fabric of my sanity is held together by the structure of my day. Work, School, Family, Dinner, Sleep, Repeat. Interruptions are greeted with frustration, annoyance, and the pessimistic view that I am finally paying for the time I used a Ouija board in the eighth grade. I go into Crisis mode. J. calls it her egg timer. My mind flood with panic and fear and I find myself unable to concentrate on anything else. I become overwhelmed by emotion. It never lasts long. A few minutes, and hour, then I can let it go, but if the situation goes unresolved, I am certain to find myself back in the emotional headache before long.

Interestingly, in a play, the crisis is the turning point in a drama, the point after which the protagonist’s fortunes must either improve or grow worse. While nail biting, the crisis is not necessarily an intense emotional moment. Like the Bard says: “All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”

Funny. In my mind crisis mode is not the moment when things improve or worsen. Crisis mode is the time when everything is irrevocably f***kd. Actually I think the Bard’s quote I was looking for is: “Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

I make so much of the emotions I feel that I am often distracted from the solution. After all, what are feelings? Just the body’s way of letting you know something is going on inside that needs your attention. In the past I have taken comfort in the fact that eventually the emotion fades, and life remains the same. But I am pretty sure that just sets me up for more trouble later. Thinking about this I have decided that crisis is change, an opportunity. Usually I feel distressed by crisis, at worst, in pain, but pain is the ally that lets you know something is wrong. Distress lets me know that I have a choice, to suffer through the pain and continue on as before, or let the pain inspire me to acceptance and change, which helps me see solutions to problems that would otherwise seem insurmountable. Incidentally I found the solution to my midterm crisis, I found both acceptance and detachment, that helped me put aside my bitter and confused emotions, and in so doing was able to offer myself a solution that allows me to fulfill my obligations to both schools with the minimal amount of intrusion.