The Ferryman

So, if you know you are making yourself crazy, how do you stop? I know that I have blogged more than once about the insanity that is my graduate school program. I fear in reality that it is little different from any other, and that the insanity is mine. The truth is that so many things make me crazy, traffic, children’s toys that play repetitive songs, trying to remember whose turn it is to do the dishes. Serenity is stolen from me at every turn.

I imagine even the Buddha had his moments of disquiet thinking. I love the scene in Hesse’s Siddhartha when he is confronted by the irascibility of his own son. Siddhartha tries as hard as he can to make his son happy and to show him how to live a good life, nonetheless he finds his son filled with rage. Still, this does not prevent Siddhartha from trying to make his son see the error of his ways. Siddhartha is blinded by love, and he ignores something he already knows: Everyone must follow his own voice to enlightenment. He has learned for himself that no one can teach enlightenment, and that enlightenment must be found within.

“He remembered how once, as a youth, he had compelled his father to let him go and join the ascetic, how he had taken leave of him, how he had gone and never returned. Had not his father also suffered the same pain that he was now suffering for his son?”

Although Siddhartha is blinded by love for his son, he is eventually able to realize that he, like his son, had to rebel against his father and make his own way. Siddhartha is able to adjust to this realization through the counsel of his friend, Vasudeva, and is eventually able to let go of his expectations he has for his son. Vasuveda is there to counsel his friend and offer guidance. Siddhartha has maintained that a journey toward peace and enlightenment must come from within, but is unable to recognize his own shortcomings. Vasudeva points out Siddhartha's contradiction of his own beliefs and is thus able to offer some peace.

So, I am driving long, listening to the crazy voice inside my head telling me how I am doing everything in school wrong, and how the faculty is against me, when suddenly it occurs to me that I need to check this experience out with someone who (this is important) has had the same experience.

I picked up the phone and called a fellow grad student and said, “What are you doing.” And she said, “Why are you calling?” and once I laid it out for her, she fully understood, and for once, I fully understood myself. I cannot do all of this myself. I need help

“The layman thinks, ``by myself was this done; in every work, great or small, let them refer to me''. Such is the ambition of the fool; his desires and pride increase. – The Dhammapada

Although Vasudeva is often described in divine terms, he does not maintain the power relationship that would typically exist between student and teacher, or between the divine and the mortal. Unlike a teacher who would have to stay behind to continue teaching others, When Vasudeva departs, Siddhartha is his equal. He has guided Siddhartha to his final destination and can now depart.

I suppose I should say something keen about sponsorship or friendship, or even misery loves company. Alas all I have is, sometimes it doesn’t matter so much that I share my grievances with others, as much as I share it with the right other, one who has had the same experience, maybe even someone who has been where I want to go and knows how to get there. Anyway, I got a lot a relief from this conversation.