Unfold your own myth

I had my first job interview in ten years. I had to dress up, show up on time, be charismatic and answer all questions with a cheerful demeanor. Not so hard. I am pretty sure these skills are like riding a bike, once you have them, you don’t lose them. In my twenties I changed jobs frequently, moving up the ladder of success, giving me ample opportunity to polish my interview skills and perfect my modus operandi, my performance, if you will. Still, nothing makes a good interview like knowing the job and really wanting it, in a word, enthusiasm. The best part about teaching art for me is, when you do what you love, you never have to work.

So, the good news is I got the job, which meant I had to scale back on some of the part time positions I was considering elsewhere. I am still finishing up my MFA, and was going to teach a 2D design class at the university, but had to let them know that I was taking on a full time position at the community college, and with the studio hours I need to complete for the degree and family time, I was going to be maxed out. They were as sympathetic as you might expect.

On my way out of the office I ran into one of my professors and told him about my situation. We began talking about the graduate program, and the personalities involved. The art department hired a new department head over the summer and the interim director of the art program had stepped down. He was also the chair of my graduate committee. When I commented about having to find a new chair now, the professor said, “It is probably for the best.” The former director, he continued, wasn’t really my biggest supporter. We continued to talk about how my chair had spoken of me in the past and how change could really help me.

Still, It took a minute for his initial comment to sink in. About a year ago I sat down with my chair and asked him rather directly if, regardless whether he liked my work or not, if he could support me. If he could be the kind of chair that could be honest with me and tell me what I needed to move forward in this program. He had agreed that he could; only now I discovered that that had not been the case. Far from being my advocate, this guy had worked behind the scenes criticizing me to the other faculty. Betrayed, I wanted to punch him in the nose.

I suppose if he hadn’t held me back with his actions, I might be in a very different place right now. Who knows, I might have been working on my final thesis and would have had to pass on this job opportunity. In which case we wouldn’t have the extra money and the benefits. What with the baby coming, those benefits could be really nice right now (though after watching “Sicko” benefits begin to look less and less helpful) and after not having had steady employment in seven years, the extra income is always welcome.

I don’t know if you noticed, but I just did something here, that I frequently catch myself doing. Looking at the events of my life from point A to point C, and surmising that if it hadn’t happened this way, it most certainly would have been different. (Of course) I think it is interesting too that this kind of thinking, while it can be used pessimistically, usually creates a kind of optimistic syllogism (“certain things having been supposed, something different from the things supposed results of necessity because these things are so.") Optimistic, I guess, because I get a certain amount of comfort from this kind of thinking that keeps me from punching noses or beating my head against the wall. That, and its fun, when your not completely stressed out, to look back at your life and see all the funny twists and turns, the successes and failures that amount to the total of your experience.

Interestingly, I always seem to ascribe some kind of unconscious force to these results that seems to have little to do with me. That or I am just being superstitious. That my mind is just making these scenarios up to make sense of things I couldn’t otherwise look at. But I believe there is something valuable in seeing these little lessons unfold. I am guilty of thinking, “God has a plan for me,” or “the universe has a way of unfolding.” Call it kismet, call it karma, call it divine intervention, (god looks out for children and fools) if I look at my life in this way, I invariably see these gentle lessons, that you have to fail in one place to succeed in another. I find these lessons peaceful, because they make me understand why it is important to experience the setbacks, the disappointments and the suffering. Not just because I will appreciate the good times more, but because there is no difference between them, good and bad, they are materially part on each other, and I can’t imagine the one without the other. So I see these stories of my life unfold, I see the consequences, the joys of a new job and the setbacks of my degree plan and realize that they are all just part of the unfolding narrative that is my life.

I guess the challenge then is to unfold your own myth.