having a human expereince

One of my earliest memories involving prayer took place in my then eighth grade study hall. I remember leaning over my desk, taking a deep breath, and as I exhaled I uttered the words “Dear God, why do you hate me so much?”

I don’t know if this qualifies as a pray per se, but of all the times that I have talked to God since, it certainly counts as one of the most sincere prayers I have ever made.

I wouldn’t call myself a religious man, or even profoundly spiritual, but I do like to contemplate my relationship to the divine from time to time.  I suppose I should categorize that by saying that I prefer to focus on personal, inward discoveries, rather than speculations about the nature of God or other supernatural entities.

I suppose it is nature to question our spiritual existence. Evidence suggests that people have been asking questions like “Where do we come from? Who are we? And Where are we going?” For about as long as people have walked the earth. Archeologists are quick to deduce that, while the exact nature of cave drawings can never be completely known or understood, they seem to represent the same kinds of questions that the artist Paul Gauguin was asking in his great masterpiece.

As a young man I was drawn to the idea of “enlightenment.” I liked the idea of having a goal towards which one could strive. I have long since abandoned this notion in conjunction with spirituality as “enlightenment” no longer holds the allure of being some far away mystical state. Anymore when I think about the word "enlightenment" to me it just means “paying attention.”

I do not believe that a spiritual experience is connected to thoughts, feelings, emotions or any dogma or system of morality. The problem with these things is that they tend to ground us in ourselves and our existence, that is, thoughts and feeling tend to be about our selves and our lives, and really have very little meaning outside of the reality of our existence while by “spiritual experience” I mean any experience that transcends our meager existence. Among those spiritual experiences I would include, Love, Creativity and the Sublime.

I first learned of the Sublime while studying art history. In art the term is typically used to describe Romantic landscape paintings of the nineteenth century.  In a general way the terms refers to “greatness beyond all possibility of expression.“ Anyone who has ever experienced and extraordinarily deep sense of joy or sorrow has touched upon the threshold of the sublime.

In my own spiritual practice I frequently substitute the word “Universe” for any suggestion of divinity. I do this for a couple of reasons. One, because invoking "the Universe" reminds me of the sublime nature of existence, from the lace-like intricacy of a snowflake to the vast emptiness of interstellar space, the Universe is one amazing place.  Another is that it reminds me that I am mortal, and that no matter what my personal religious beliefs, this does not change the fact that I am merely a human being among human beings and that I should approach all beliefs with humility and compassion. Pretty much everything thing else can be summed up in the poem “A Guest House” by Rumi in which he states in the opening line “This human being is a guest house” and that all experiences are transitory and should be welcomed with gratitude.

For me spirituality is a never ending and evolving process. It makes sense, considering the fact that everything, the universe, is constantly changing, and that if we are going to keep up, we need to constantly pay attention. It changes, and we change and so our understanding changes. I think my only regret is that I will never have the chance to explain this to the eighth grade boy crying at his desk. Still, I am glad he began to understand this, however gradually, despite my being there to comfort him.