I don't know

You have probably noticed that my last few posts have vacillated between Christian and Buddhist interpretations of events in my life. In part this is because I have come to a point in my life where I can honestly say that I don’t know what I believe. Get that? I don’t know what I believe. Is there a God? I don’t know. Is there an afterlife? I don’t know. Are we born again and again and all life is a cosmic wheel? I don’t know. I don’t know, and not knowing is both terrifying and wonderfully freeing.

One objection to embracing the “I don’t know” philosophy is probably “If you don’t know what you believe, what do you stand for? How do you behave?” For me I think the answer to this is simple, and while some may cry foul, I say I try to act as best I can and that really I make a lot of mistakes and I try to learn from these. The objection may follow “How can one learn from their mistakes if you embrace no system, no dogma, no rule by which to judge your actions?” To this I would simply say that while some of my actions might seem questionable, even objectionable to some, for the most part, I try to be a good person, honest, loyal, friendly and that I look for these traits in others. Actions that separate me from these qualities I distrust and even abhor. Moreover, while I do not necessarily embrace particular religions or philosophies, I certainly look to them for guidance. I hold no one tradition higher than another, but judge them by the same standard that I judge myself. How do they treat people? Are they tolerant, fair, kind, respectful? If the answer is Yes, I push further, read more, contemplate, even adopt, but still I hold “I don’t know” as my mantra.

Is this agnostic? Socratic? The middle way? Sure. And No. Really this is what works for me. It is the realm where I am most comfortable. I was never a great follower. I don’t easily subscribe to great movements. I am a terrible liberal, a worse conservative. I distrust people like I distrust myself. I am full of faults. I make mistakes constantly. I am brash, judgmental, and egotistic. I don’t pretend that “I don’t know” has made me a better person. I am not enlightened. The Oracle of Delphi would never say that my brand of “I don’t know” makes me particularly smart or wise. On the contrary it has given me an inordinate amount of pain. The other day I stole a woman’s painting and ruined it (see The Great Art Caper) A Buddhist would have sought to avoid spreading suffering. A Christian might have been more charitable “there but for the grace of God go I,” but not me. I ruined her painting and spent the better part of the week A) worrying about it and B) trying to figure out how to make amends and do better next time (without getting caught.)

In the end, the great art caper ended like so much in my life. I was caught, and asked to make reparations. I had to face the music. I was reprimanded and I had to do a little community service. Mostly I got to think about my actions and how I would have done it if I could have done it over. From one point of view “I don’t know” wasn’t really working for me that day. That is to say It wasn't working if you think I am saying that "I don't know" is enlightenment. It isn't. I got chewed out. But like Brad Pitt says in the recent movie “Inglorious Bastards” “I’ve been chewed out before”.

I think what Brad Pitt’s character is saying here is “I can live with my actions. I can accept that what I sometimes do is unacceptable, and I can face the consequences of my actions” And I would add, “and in the mean time I will try to do better given the chance again.” And really isn’t that what making amends is about? Not just that we are sorry, but that “I am sorry” means "I would do that differently give the chance." The nice thing about "I don't know" is that it will give me many opportunities to make amends.

The really interesting thing about "I don’t know" is that, I suspect, if there is a maker, if there is a god, I will have had the opportunity in this life to have thought about that Idea a whole lot. And when I die I can look at s/he and say, “I am sorry. I will do better next time” and probably, the Buddhist in me will know that I will get that chance again.