A brief meditation on powerlessness and helplessness

I left for work this morning and drove straight into a parade. The parade route cut right down the middle of my pathway and I soon found myself redirected by the traffic cops on a route that took me back towards home. After a few minutes of careful navigation on the side streets, I was back on track but worried I was now going to be late. What I remember most clearly about this episode was how angry I became. The sensation was powerful and instantaneous. Like a crack in a dam that could not take the pressure of one more teaspoon of water, I suddenly felt the sensation of a thousand little insignificant worries suddenly flood over me. It was as if every stored bit of stress, every troubling scenario I had put out of mind came rushing back to me. I furious. I found myself cursing people, talking to them, shouting at traffic. I was a full-blown tilt.

I blog a lot about “crazy mind” or as one friend calls it “monkey mind” because I genuinely fear that in these moment I am doing damage to my soul. I thought about my reaction, about all the things that bothered me, that welled up from within, and have come to the conclusions that my sudden upsurge of emotion were the by product of my confusion between the idea of helplessness and powerlessness. For me, helplessness is the inability to change myself, while powerlessness is the inability to change others. I use helplessness as an excuse to avoid suffering, feeling that I can't do anything about my situation. It's an excuse to give up and bail out of responsibility.

It is an odd choice to make, particularly because the feeling of helplessness is terrifying. It smothers and suffocates. I find myself, in these moments, gasping for breath between mouthfuls of vitriol and bile. As I found myself cursing at all the little things that bothered me, I struggled to come to terms with the choice I had made, to live in denial. So now, when I am angry, it is because I think that I can finally find control in those moments. As a result I am on edge. The drivers on the road moved too slowly. The clock moved too fast. In an instant I waged a person war against the universe in which I was constantly wanting. When I am in full on crazy mind I can go like this forever. Fortunately I have learned that this is not an acceptable state of mind in which to live. As a friend said once, “I may visit from time to time, but I don’t want to live there.” I remembered the words of another friend, these more recently… “My mantra” he said, “was given to me by my sponsor. It is very straightforward. I simply say ‘what part of this is good for me.’”

Looking at the road in front of me, I take a long deep breath and let it out slowly. My eyes narrow and a let the words slip slowly from my mouth. “What part of this is good for me?” I have to admit this kind of thinking makes me feel better. Thoughts proceed actions, and the more I try to focus on positive thoughts the better I feel. The more I think about my actions, the more I realize the true meaning of powerlessness. Powerlessness is not helplessness. Powerlessness is choice. By choosing to think and act in a responsible way I am choosing to release myself from the thinks over which I truly have no power. Yes I am powerlessness over past choices that have caused me suffering, and I am powerless over the actions of others. But in so accepting these things I am no longer helpless, powerless means that I can choose a better way for myself, one that isn’t tied to the misfortunes of the past or fear of the future.